Guys, I’m struggling to figure out exactly how to put into words what I’m feeling. A lot has been going on recently. Like I mentioned, I had a seriously tough day last week. Quite honestly, each day since has been pretty tough as well.
I’m not asking for sympathy. So many people go through what I’m going through, and so many people are going through much worse than what I am. My point of posting this is to explain myself. Explain why I need a little break. Why I need to take some time to focus on what is important.
My dad was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s disease.
Originally, when he was taken to see a neurologist a few months ago, we were told that he had Hydrocephalus, which is basically fluid that is pressing on your brain. A surgery would have been needed to fix the problem, but it was curable. We were told that my dad would be back to normal as soon as he had the surgery.
Before I go on, let me explain that my parents have been divorced since I was nine. Although they have not had the best relationship since then (to put it nicely), my mom stepped up to help him once we found out he was sick. She really is a saint, and has done everything in her power to help him. She put all differences aside these past few months simply to take the burden off my brothers and I.
Well, last week my mom noticed that things were getting rapidly worse, so she took him to the emergency room. It was only then that they did more tests and called us with the news that it was not, in fact, fluid on his brain, but at the age of 62, he had early onset Alzheimer’s. Not only that, but it is rapidly progressing.
The hospital admitted him and declared him incompetent of living by himself… meaning that the hospital will not release him until we find a place for him. A place for my 62-year-old dad to live. A nursing home.
Bobby and I went on Saturday and Sunday afternoon to visit him at the hospital, and it was heartbreaking.
The saddest part?
It wasn’t that he looked so frail and lost in his little room.
It wasn’t that he was reading the same newspaper over and over again and commenting on each story as if it were the first time he was seeing them.
It wasn’t when he asked how long I’ve known “the lady” who brought him to the hospital. The lady is my mom. The lady is someone whom he was married to for 14 years.
It wasn’t when he asked me to get him some snacks, because the cooks in the “restaurant” were horrible and didn’t “know how to make jello.” Bobby and I went to the gift shop and stocked up on all the foods that he loves…. root beer, Fritos, and cashews. Growing up, I can’t express how many bags of Fritos we’ve shared. When we brought them to his room, I was expecting his eyes to light up… he told me he’s never tried “those things before.”
The absolute worst times of the weekend were when he had those few moments of complete clarity, and he asked what was going to happen to him.
I had no answer. I didn’t know what to say to my dad. I don’t know what is going to happen to him.
They say that when it rains, it pours, and this is just a small portion of what has been going on. I need to be kind to myself, and give my mind a break.
I love the Healthy Living community. I have made amazing friends who I cherish so much, and I am so thankful for.
… but part of “healthy living” is giving yourself the permission to “turn off” once in a while. My brain feels like it’s going, going, going at all times… and something has got to give.
I’ve been an emotional wreck, and it’s not healthy. Right now I need to focus on what is important. My family and my amazing husband who has done every single thing (and given me more hugs than I thought possible over a weeks time) to help ease this blow.
I can’t say if or when I’ll be back to posting, but right now, I need to stay true to my healthy living philosophy and work on not just my body, but my mind as well.
…. and *cue* my tears…..